Some days, I just suck.

There comes a time in one's life when life has an amazing way of reminding you what truly is important and at the end of the day, none of what the outside world has to say carries any real weight when it comes to matters of the heart. Fast forward through this year of transition and things evolve. Some in more positive ways than others I guess. But all with life lessons at the end of them of course. This year has been really hard for me. And no one is to blame other than myself. Never planned on being where I am today, let alone the timing of things.
Never was good at being anything other than myself either. As much as I'd like to picture myself being strong, independent woman, truth is most the time I'm not as strong as I'd like to be- but I'm still trying. My intentions is never to offend or hurt anyone's feelings and course this isn't an apology for walking out or away either. This isn't an attempt at justifying at anything. I don't expect people to understand, just as I can't expect myself to be able to please everyone at all times. In my situation, I never felt as solid and strong, even though the world says differently by all the criticism. Lost a lot of friends, and even caused turmoil within some friends over the years because of the bull people put out there. People even changed their perception of who they thought I was...
All of this just motivated me to stay even more grounded and to love whole-heartedly without judgement. At one point, I remember feeling saddened by the way people said the most hurtful things, ( as much as I did my best to ignore it). It felt like it was just me and the world. I think it's safe to say that a lot of times it brought me closer to my family, such as my mother and even my daughter. Knowing that someone loves you for who you are and that they gain nothing from you other than the joy of being loved unconditionally is a good feeling.
Most of the time I'm pretty good at rolling with the punches when things even don't go "as planned". Somehow, I allowed most of this year to get the best of me. None of this happened overnight and I must say most the time it don't. But we are all masters of our own reality and whatever is "happening to me" is no one's "fault" other than my own. The accumulation of things this past year have been challenging in so many ways, but for the most part I found it easy to stay positive through it all. At times, I even surprised myself at how resilient I was to a lot of the challenges...
There was the loss of my home, which regardless of how it made me feel at a loss, sprung a lot of negativity from friends to the outside world. Struggling from medical health issues ( such as cancer ) and taking on the stress of work was something I fully put myself into. Not too mention the struggles and issues I've dealt over the years with an ex-husband, to the history I have of not so great past relationships with men. None of these gave me any reason to complain and I never did, still don't. Losing a good friend last year, kept me strong, even negativity I've had from friends. As crazy as it sounds, all of it brought me a great deal of reassurance that I am on a good path somewhere. I mean if all of this would have taken place a few years ago before I decided to do something with my life, I would have been an easily been the world's biggest train wreck. Instead, dealing with all of it through acceptance of what is and staying as present in the moment as possible was the only way I was able to learn so much.
I'm not going to flatter myself in thinking I'm interested into the drama and gossip life around me. It's unfair of people to pry into related questions of others, such as myself. Even though it's not in nature to disrespect people, it is in my nature to admit when I'm weak. Whether people tune in or not won't change who I am or my best efforts or the quality of what I do. When you make something for the sake of putting good out into the world, the payback comes from a much more fulfilling place than any man made form of payment.

FOR ALL MY ANTI-VALENTINE'S : THIS IS 4 U TODAY.

Today , half the country is celebrating St. Valentine's Day.  A day of joyous (barf) filled with "surprise" flower deliveries, men dressed in heart costumes singing the love songs to their ladies to the romantic dinners under the moonlight with violins playing in the back ground. Stab me in the eyes with a fork , please.

Valentine's Day is like herpes. Just when you think it's gone for good, it rears it's ugly head once more.  No wonder some people prefer to call it VD.  It's this time of year when chocolate manufacturers and greeting card companies encourage you to demonstrate the extent of our fondness in cold, hard cash. Fuck that.

For the other half of the country today, such as myself, it's another normal day.  A day of course that's filled with annoying people that give out teddy bears, the heart shaped boxes of chocolates to people that really don't need it and morons professing their love through mix CD's and the over priced greeting cards. Such as again, I'm gonna be sick here.

Valentine's Day has become increasingly ridiculous over the years.  Even the people in relationships, such as myself who can't stand this day, don't want to celebrate the day or spend the inordinate of money it takes to say the same thing you say every freaking day of the year.  But for those people without "valentine's" today, they are forced to muddle through this smut and sappiness that goes along with it.  Or do they?  This might be the year that anti-Valentine's day makes a huge hit with you and yours.  Seriously people.  Rather than hiding away in the bathtub soaking your sorrows that you don't have anyone to send a signing telegram to this Valentine's day, nothing beats than impressing a Anti-Valentine.  Such as myself , it's not easy to please.

For all the people out there who don't have a loved one or a "valentine" to speak of, or just plainly hates this day, such as me, there's always the constant pressure of spending your money and being romantic with someone on this day. Fuck this.  Nothing says "I love you" these days than broken promises and broken relationships.  True love as I see it rarely exists, or does it? Promises are made to be broken. Or are they?  Go and do something crazy today and waste you money on a crush that you wanted to say something to, dropping a anti-valentine greeting card to a friend now. As it is, we anti-valentine's need a little love now and then too.

But for some of us , we still might believe in true love , one day. We believe in butterflies in your stomach. You know the feelings of when your excited or nervous and get that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach. Falling in love is hard to come by as we all know.  It's that moment when you realize someone is very special.  But during that time, most of us always want to live happily ever after. But that's what happens in films and fairy tales where happy couples are together forever. Show me a couple that's been together as long as Earth has been here, and I might change my mind on love. Being faithful is when your loyal and true. You also don't sleep with other people. Period. No excuse should be given in any relationship.  We all have someone we love unconditionally. It's a popular thing among stories and when we love someone 100%, it's for no matter what happens. I know unconditionally I love my daughter and pets.  But as well we can all detest someone or something too. Which is basically hating. Most of us anti-valentine's find that detesting something or someone in life is too easy these days. For me, I have both. Unconditional love and detest. But to my readers, this is for you, happy anti-valentine's day.