My Expression....

I can remember standing for hours alone,
In my cold bleak room, 
Waiting for the moment of inspiration to come to me,
To express myself in movement,
At length, my spirit
Would be uplifted
And I would follow
The expression of my Soul....

I aM GoNe

I am gone,
The person you see isn't the REAL me,
The REAL me gave up a long time ago,
She couldn't take the constant pain anymore.

Friends as Roommates=BAD COMBO

For years I use to live with friends, or have roommates, which in my opinion, in my past, I had no problems growing up. For years it was easy to get along and nobody got hurt, no feelings, bills were always paid on time and we had a great time as well. These days, things are totally different, and people change and grow up as well. I've lived on my own many times ,I won't lie about that and for that I've enjoyed it immensely. I'm a private lady, who hates the drama bull crap, and yet its like a curse that follows me half the time. Recently, when I lived yet again on my own, I had A HEART, and let a friend move in with us, out of the goodness of my heart. Never asked anything out of him, except to help with a bit of money , never asked to help with food, or anything of household concerns . Towards the end, when we lost the home, I moved into his  HOME , and it was the worst thing I ever made. He did a 360 once he took control of his home and acted like GOD, BUT in reality he was a DOG, or as I called him one day, A PIG ON A HORSE. Everything in the house belongs to yes ME, ME, DID I MENTION ME?! Yeah I think I got that covered. During the 3mths I had lived there, it was nothing but pure evil violence in the home, and  I'm so thankful my daughter never witnessed it! However it doesn't account for me hearing the screaming, banging things, and so forth with him and his  girlfriend in the house. With me and having severe anxiety and other medical conditions on top of, it didn't make things better. I have a ton of anger towards men these days and that alone don't mix well. 
Here I am months after the fact of what went on down during that time. Things didn't go well and it wasn't a pretty sight, either. The now ex-friend made life a living hell for me after the fact, and today we don't even talk. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that a person like this friend was even considered a human being, let alone a FRIEND.In the long run, he was not a true friend, and a backstabber. What a coward, and what a ruthless jerk. His KARMA will be the justice coming and I hope he learns his lesson one day. Until then, I just don't care about having roommates forever.

True Love Can Be So Hard ....

I grew up watching my parents be together through thick and thin , and today they are married STILL after 39years. A best friend from HS who's been with her sweety for 21years and still ticking on through hell and back.  For me, I've accomplished several relationships through my life and each one turned out to be a disaster of course. The usual of falling out of love, to domestic violence, which still has a emotional numbness pain today for me, to being used of course in relationships. All I ever wanted from a man was that *choke* fairy tale we all women dream of as a child. OH yeah, that one with Cinderella growing up poor with her evil stepmother and then finding her true prince at the ballroom one night. Though in REAL life, that doesn't exist obvious, I just want  my prince. But he's not a prince~he's my KING and I'm his QUEEN. I've chased men down to be hurt in the end, and though I've been chased by men myself, i am the one who deeply gets hurts, tears rolling down the cheeks, and my heart is torn apart of course.
hat men don't usually know about me is that after years of the few horrible relationships I've dealt with over the years is that it gets agitating, annoying, heartbreaking, and the heart can take only so much pain and hurt. Some men out there just don't give a crap of hurting women. Though I will admit there are women out there who do the same.
I am not one of these women who tend to abuse a man's heart, tear it to pieces, and then decide I'll shred it to the garbage guys, as my heart has been too many times in my life. I've dealt with it too much and quite frankly I'm tired of having my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, kicked around, and left for the usual wild animals to feed on. That and I'm tired of always gluing it back together again. It's painful, and it hurts.  I watch everyday as most people fall in love, to some of my friends already in love and it makes me happy, but it hurts deep inside. I never say anything because yes, I'm JEALOUS. I want that man who comes home, grabs me, kisses me all the time, cuddles, and shows all that attention to me i crave so much as I would give it right back. But my problem is since I've been HURT in the past as i have so much, I tend to SHY away from being the center of attention of a man these days. 
True love ? What is true love? Most people I know can answer that in seconds for me. When you ask me that, I look at you  blankly with no answer. Have I ever been truly in love? Nope, can say I have. Out of all the men in my past lifetime, I can't recall one person that I truly loved, or that I knew that felt the same about me. Seriously. I know i was no Queen to them, and he was no King. Though we are not all perfect, the energy, and the feelings were just not there. And yet I sit here and cry everyday wanting that feeling and it kills me to know that I have a KING out there, and I am his QUEEN. The butterflies in the stomach, to my head spinning in all crazy different directions, is what I want. Can't recall the last time I felt that ever. I'm sure its not safe these days to have those crazy wild feelings, but I sure as hell would like to explore it one day. Yet my mind still explores the thought of what was once when I was a child of how I dreamed of one day growing up and meeting my Prince Charming.
So the reality of the fairy tale might not be there, i surely would love to experiment with the feeling of REAL LOVE and have some man show me what that is ....someday. My heart is broken, and i'm tired of gluing myself. Finding true love for a lot of us these days is really hard. Sure i know it is. I feel my heart everyday aching that pain, dying for that moment, that butterfly affect, you name it. But as well, i'm always afraid i'll b hurt cuz i've always been hurt in my past relationships and that itself is what hurts me the most. To not experience what true love is or what that butterfly affect, or have some man show me true love is just bites me in the ass. Most of us can relate to this feeling, and for me it's everyday. I crave that feeling and as I get older every year, my clock ticks to find Mr.KING one day.
We all want to experience true love if we have as of yet in our life time. For myself, I haven't. It hurts too deeply to even fathom or explain how that feels to not know what true love is. I have watched so many romantic shows and these days it makes me *sick* to watch them over and over. It's the feeling I want, the craving, the sensation, the lust, the deep inner self of my soul I want. Will any man understand that feeling I state? Probably not. To understand one another and have that feeling is what I desire the most deepest in a man. True love doesn't come over night for anyone, let alone myself. But I sure do hope it comes one day, the feeling of "growing old with someone" sure sounds great to me...before I die that is.

CaN'T BuY Me LoVe

"Can't Buy Me Love", a Song made by the Beatles,is a term I use today that rips from the seams of my own heart. I have always thought of this song, and even live by it today. Simple and conformed , it explains the basic concept of how I feel about men trying to buy a woman's way to her heart. Especially mine to say the least. Though I have to admit, I've gone through the struggles of relationships and two failed marriages, I felt the powers to be where I dealt with a man trying to buy his way into my heart with flowering me with his powers of cash flow. This to me, is not a way to a woman's heart, and it doesn't work with me in any way form, mind, soul, or heart. Surely, men today must see that most simple women out there are not all about the powers of money and we are old fashioned.
The thought of a man trying to buy my love to get what he wants in his life, just purely makes me sad. I know such a man , and purely it makes me angry, and as well sad. Though in today's society, money is an every day of life, I still live by my motto of that "money is the root of all evil". It will not make me happy, it will not find me love, and it will not satisfy my needs in the end. I'm not a materialistic woman at all, and I can live without a great deal things in life. For me, trying to win my heart with lavishing me with gifts is not my idea of making me a happy lady. In fact, it just makes me sad, and even cry.  So why do men do it? For the pure ego they have in themselves when they know they have the power and the greed of what makes life worth living....money and women. They know they can get away with doing it. If they want something and have the power of money, they will do whatever it takes to get their way. That's the power of money today. For myself, that isn't how I want to be bought by LOVE at all. In fact, it creeps me out and it disgusts me. I would be miserable for life and just aching and screaming for true love instead. That isn't how love should be in my eyes.
So why do us women think that the power of men and buying our love is a great thing? Good question. I surely like to know myself. I'm old fashioned, and simple minded these days and I surely can't justify the answer myself. I'm still trying to understand the concept of why there are men I know who would want to buy my love and think I be happy living in that lifestyle. Whatever happened to matters of the heart anymore? True love maybe? Am I just that old fashioned, or purely is today's society just doesn't care about the true nature of what is deep down in our hearts anymore. Money matters the most and that rules over the heart.  I'm sorry to say,but money is evil, and purely not going to take over my life, let alone rule my heart and soul. I would wind up miserable for the rest of my life and be depressed. That isn't how I want my life to end at all. I still want to grow old with someone and at least be happy at the same time, not have that feeling of being stuck just because I was forced into that relationship for the sake of money. 
 Men can try to buy me love all they want, but it won't make this woman happy or satisfied in the end. It makes me sad, depressed and quite aching inside and screaming in pain mentally and emotionally. Not something I want to deal with for the rest of my life.  For others out there, it's something they have more power to deal with and I just don't. I'm too sensitive of a woman and the Beatles song "Can't Buy Me Love" will forever live in my heart and soul....and live on.

The Haunting History of Magnolia Plantation of Louisiana

In Natchitoches, Louisiana, Magnolia Plantation stands as a reminder today of the prosperity of the cotton and tobacco afforded the Pre-Civil War American South.  The grounds main house of the plantation, the slave quarters store, blacksmith shop and the slaves hospital stand just as they did during the 1800's.  Established in 1830, by Ambrose Lecomte II and his wife Julia Buard to expand the family's cotton production. Back then in Louisiana, slavery was popular and using slave labor , the Lecomte's cleared more than two thousand of the wooded acred crops into a profit cotton fields.  It was the treatment of these slaves, who cleared the land, whom built the main house, and store and had planted and even harvested the fields that has left this historic mansion riddled with ghost and paranormal activity.
Rare masony buildings were used to house the slaves at the Magnolia Plantation. Fifty slaves could work on each Plantation, which would cover more than forty percent of the land , fit for farming.  At the Magnolia Plantation, there were buildings used to house slaves.  Each house was sub divided into two sections.  Slaves were usually crammed into these buildings, or "house slaves" of twenty or more.  During the Civil War they had crammed twenty five or more Confederate prisoners and many had died from suffocation in these small buildings.
According to some, the house was orginally built on top of an Indian burial ground.  There is even Voodoo graffiti because of the slaves who had lived there. The graffiti is in front of the main house, slaves house, cemetery, and a evil room, called "The Dying Room" because all the family member that had died in this room. One such guest was a Union Soldier, who was slowly poisoned and driven insane.  A form of silent rebellion, the slaves at Magnolia often used Voodoo to cast evil wishes on their oppressive master. An overseer had taken slaves to the basement to torture them many times. Instead the slaves had tortured , killed and cursed him. 
The enslaved blacksmith's were tasked with forming the metal Christian crosses that marked the Lecomte family graves. While the crosses are beautifully made, they also included West African Voodoo symbolls hidden within the design.  Some believe that the slaves were treated inhumanely.  Leg stocks were used for public punishment, humilation and starvation, which still stand on the property today.  The original ankle shackles remain in the basement to this day, and have been viewed on the television show, "Ghost Adventures".  Escaped slaves were often hunted down, then returned and tortured. 
As the Civil War ravaged the American South , Federal Soldiers had closed on Magnolia Plantation's main house, turning it into a stranglehold. Hundreds of Confederate soldiers are said to be buried throughout the Plantation property in unmarked shallow graves.  To this day, none of the graves have been discovered. When union soldiers overtook Natchitoches, they set out to burn Magnolia Plantation. As would have it, since this didn't happen, the union soldiers had killed an overseer on the doorstep instead.  He is said to be buried on the Plantation's property and it's said he haunts the property today.
The television show, "Ghost Adventures" crew had gone for the very first time to uncover evidence of voodoo rituals that many of the slaves used to seek revenge on the plantation owners.  Many of the spirits of these repressed spirits are still alive in this now National Park.  Mrs. Betty Hertzog is the current home owner of Magnolia Plantation. She has lived there at the plantation most of her life.  She had explained that it was a hard life for her and the town  where slavery was being used. There had been a black woman, a new ranger, Carla Cowles, whom came to town and began scratching at the slave cabins. Before their normal lockdown, the guys had gone through a voodoo ritual to open the door to any spirits that may be trying to come through.  Bloody Mary  was feeling cool, and the face in a photographed picture, in the smoke of a woman, was just to great to explain , in the fire.  During taping in the main house, you clearly  hear repeated knocking and voices.  Upstairs, an attic closet full of drying gourds had freaked out Zak right out the door. 
During their second half of lock down , they had gone to the park half of the grounds.  Nick had sent off to the old slave hospital, while Zak and  Aaron were locked in the cabin that used to belong to a slave healer woman named Aunt Agnes.  During the lock down, Zak and Aaron had to wait for the Ranger to lock them in and had seen lights in the next cabin flashing on and off. They even seemingly responded to Zak's questions when asked.  During Zak and Aaron's time in the cabin you can very clearly hear on audio sounds of chanting in which both Zak and Aaron freak over.  They had heard and recorded what sounded like to them a celebration or ritual in the cabin.  Even a disembodied voice very clearly says Aaron's name out loud, but either Zak or Aaron is unable to hear it until later on the audio tapes.  
Some anthropologists working on the site had been interviewed , with one of them coming with some very unique items which I thought were very intriguing to watch.  Some like the Miraculous Medal that had been altered to pre present Urzuli. The show was a great review of what went on during the slavery time and what is true about the ritual voodoo to this day. I truly enjoy the rich history, myself and the pure richness it had during the Pre-civil war during the slavery .  To know that today these anthropologists are discovering today voodoo artifacts that were buried in the slave quarters and can actually do still today "voodoo" on many, is such pure enjoyment. This story and history has brought much light to many, and curiosity to others as well. A well true history and exceptional activity one can love to read today.

The Confused Heart

I've always had a knack for picking the wrong men in my life over the years, though I've had my heart ripped from the depts of my soul, stomped on, and left on the floor to bleed , where I cry.  From the outburts of being abused, mentally, emotionally, and even physically, I have to say I've been through it all when it comes to relationships. For a woman who is as sensitive as me, these days, it's hard to understand how I cope with my feelings, mentally or period. I've learned through therapy to be strong on the outside, and as the years passed, to stuff my feelings inside without anyone seeing the real true me deep within. Nowadays, I've come to realize with the approach of my birthday, I'm not getting any younger, I'm getting older, and that feeling of "growing old with someone" has really sunk deep into my soul, and mind. I've tried already half my life to find that right person to my "knight and shining" armor and it's failed miserably with two failed marriages, and few relationships. 
 I've been in love once in my entire life already. Pretty sad to say, and that true love feeling I can't even fathom to tell you I can't say how long it's been. Sure has been more than ten years, and quite frankly it stinks. After the abuse of an ex-husband for several years, and still dealing with him, I thought I could move on with my life and even try to fall in love. In trial and error, I had became single for a few years to breathe, and then to wind up in a relationship again. In which time, I discovered I wasn't ready again , or think he can't handle my "issues". I freaked out, and ran and left. 
For my younger days, I was like a open book, easy to read, and found myself able to express my emotions and feelings very easily.  For the past several years I have overcome a great deal of pain, anger, and obstacles in my life which has caused me to close down like a car not wanting to start. I have learned to keep my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, or just stuff it down my throat, to where I don't want anyone to see the root of my pain. I've had my share of trying to expose some of my emotions and anger at one or two men in the past year, where instead I needed someone to talk to, they were too busy for me.  While I was going through a great deal of emotional up's and down's of my life, it seemed that the one person I needed the most was never there for me, and in that time frame, I would be left on the floor crying, bleeding or even scratching the walls , screaming. 
I would be fighting with my own demons inside my head, instead of expressing how I felt towards the one I should be building a relationship. Here, today, I am trying to make amends, and I feel I am a lost soul out in the skies, mending myself. My heart is still broken and the wounds are trying to heal, and can't. I'm sure most of us have and gone through the agony of pain in some sort of relationship and who hasn't? For myself, it has taken a much greater deep into my heart, and within that, I feel I am just tired of the pain and sorrow I endure time and time again. I am not a young spring chicken anymore, and I offer so much, just asking a little in return. A simple woman , who has been burned at the stake and returned to find something she wants more than anything else in life....true love.

Another Year Gone...And Wasted

Another year has come by and soon will end...for myself it's been a long grieving year, a rough one at that. The year has brought turmoil after turmoil for me, and very few happiness out of my life this year, and with that, I must admit I'm glad the year is coming to an end. I'm looking forward to a New Year and feeling great about it already as I think this through. As I sit here and thoroughly sift through my brain and realize that my birthday is approaching in January,I'm not getting any younger.  I've accomplished not much this year, in fact, if I have to say, the only good out of this was having to enjoy my High School Reunion and seeing old friends I haven't seen in over twenty years, next to "bonding" with a high school friend after twenty years now. 
From the depths of my soul, I have lost a good friend  in death earlier this year, moved so many times I could count the ways for you, to losing friends that meant a great deal to me, to having found myself in a heartbreaking situation. The pain and depression I've endured this year had caused me to rethink about my life more in depth of about myself,soul, and my feelings of life. As a mother, I have encountered way too much pain upon my child to endure not only to her, but as myself to see, hear and learn this past year. Something that isn't healthy for any one,including myself.  I have sat at night, wondering what could have been and should have been. I have been back stabbed by friends, and had hurt not only myself , but deep down an ex whom I had tried for the few years to develop some sort of relationship after the torment of a domestic abuse marriage I had endured years before. In the end, I realized I was the one who failed to see I was ready for commitment, or him as well.
I have sat at night crying in my soul, and heart knowing I have failed this year to accomplish what I needed to do. I have failed as what I would consider myself as the mother,friend, and so-called girlfriend. Most would consider me a good person, but deep down inside my heart, this year has proven to me that I've failed to accomplish the things I needed to do and what I wanted to do. I have yet overcome things in life I wanted, such as my understanding of the mental abuse I had endured of the years with men, to knowing why I can't heal as a person with severe anxiety to name a few here. I've lost pleasurable things in life that meant dear to me, such as my dear pets, when things failed in my life, or an ex-husband who had my made my summer miserable earlier this year. 
If things couldn't get worse, I had lost my home. I had felt I had failed not only as a Mother, but as a supportive person in the home, and I couldn't do anything to get back on my feet. Living with friends was not only horrible for me, but in the long run, a miserable mistake for me. Family was supportive, and always has been for me in the years. Unfortunately, for me, I have been a weak woman since the split of my ex-husband and very vulunerable at that, for several years. I have remained strong on other issues, for the sake of my daughter, and tried to give her everything I can within my powers. But what my daughter doesn't know, is deep down, I cry every night, hurting inside, and crying out for someone to hold me, feel my pain and understand what I've been through over the years. The only thing that kept my nerves from going through a mental asylum was a high school reunion this past summer and recently "bonding" with a high school friend who understands my pain, sorrow, anger, and sadness.
 I must say this year has not been positive for me, with little happiness in it. I'm glad it's finally coming to a closure shortly. Though with the approach of my birthday after the New Year, I am not a fan of turning another year older, but will make the best of my birthday coming up.  I feel the New Year will bring me some happiness, peace, and much more understanding of myself than it has in the past few years. With the help of a certain person in my life right now who has been more than understanding in my issues of life these days and in my past, I can predict that 2011 shall be much better than this year brought upon myself. 

POEM(My Version) : Now I Lay Me Down 2 Sleep

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray that my sanity to keep,
for if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet

Far from the daily family riot,
May I lie back... not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at,
And what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
"Did something just fall off a shelf?"
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
"Oh NO! Another goldfish...DEAD!"
Some silent moments for goodness sake
"Did I just hear a window break?!"
And that I need not cook or clean...


Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost that long ago!!!!

The Fear of Commitment

Commitment to some of us is such a huge and ugly word. Does some of us know what it truly means? Well I can tell you, that it means that its a pledge, or a promise, or engaging in oneself. But when thought through, it depends on the situation. Commitment to me can be always going to be there for my children, family and yes, some friends too. For millions of us, the fear of commitment in a relationship is such an emotional feeling. It doesn't have to relate to our children, our family, or our friends. Commitment in a relationship is the mind,soul,body and feelings.  

I can be committed to my family, friends and my children at any given time, day or night. But down right, when it comes to a relationship, I will freak. I don't have a great history of relationships I have had two failed marriages,among several other relationships that were failed too. Upon the failed history of relationships, I've had my share of being single too, and quite frankly, I had enjoyed it. When it comes to dating,or even the thought of falling in love,  I run the other direction, as in the Movie,"Run Away Bride". I've had my heart broken too many times,stomped on, left to bleed and it's gone through enough I think ( who hasn't really ). As it comes to that word again, commitment, forget it. I've been asked why I won't settle down, and yes 'commit' to anyone. With my history of relationships and my heart broken too many times, my fear of that word just freaks me to no end. I see to many relationships ending in divorce, and calling it quits. 

I been through it myself few times, and the fear of going through it again is something I don't want to happen anytime soon. Millions of us go through the fear of commitment. Not just myself, but as men do, us women do too, surprisingly. Though I'm sure not a lot of women fear commitment as I do these days, we are out there.I never expected myself to be so afraid of such a simple word in my life until now. Back when I was a teenager and in love, it was everything. I wanted that commitment from that one man to be with me forever.Romance was something that even back then,was so simple, but not freaks me out to even thinking about. Seemed I had usually chose the wrong place, time  and yes, wrong man typically. Life went on and I kept trying to find that one place to find in my heart. One man who would be committed to me. Today, I can't say I have found him, but I sure like to say he is the right one. I'm not attempting to hunt for that commitment these days.

The fear of love, commitment, and romance itself generally is not in my vocabulary these days. Commitment is a big word. It's a serious word, and meaningful too. It's taken to heart to a lot of people. Break that, and you hurt that person, not just yourself. If you can't commit to a person, you're not ready, to move on to the next step in a relationship, or to move forward. Most of you can't commit to another, or move on to that next step. Some of us break that trust, and break that heart of others. For others, it's the fear completely of just being in a committed relationship. Not seeing anyone else, not dating anyone else but that one person is a commitment. If you're in love, there's nothing wrong with it. If you have doubts about yourself, as per say, myself, or fear, need to reconsider your circumstances.

Commitment is something you shouldn't take lightly or jokingly. You'll just know when you're ready to commit to that one true special person. For a lot of us others, it's the fear of being hurt, as I have in my days. The fear of being rejected, fear of being hurt again by our former past. Sometimes that commitment can haunt us for a long time. For me, my fear of commitment will haunt me for quite awhile until I can overcome. As for others, commitment is something that will come naturally. Millions of us are just to fearful of that little word.....commitment.

The Split of Broke Relationships

Having a broken heart ripped from you is devastating to say the least. I should know, it's happened to me so many times, I could write a story, let alone draw you pictures to show you the pain I've endured over the years. My pain of anger just doesn't lie not only being involved with that person,but as time had grown , I would accumulate things with each other in the relationship while living together. As one knows, when the other party decides to part ways, there is always that fight that begins of what belongs to who and where to draw the line. For myself, I've learned over the years that not even putting my "name" on my personal belongings meant anything. I've had my clothing taken from me by ex-boyfriend's to ex-husband's, to personal things that meant the most to me of sentimental meaning. 
 Why one would take someone else's other clothing is beyond me to understand still today. Let alone understand the concept of it. My rage of anger, and knowing that when the split happened, I would assume things would go smoothly for splitting personal things down the line. In the end, I would wind up going into severe panic attacks during my time of sadness, and loss. I was vulunerable as it was, and the kaos that would go through my head was just too much to take, per say. There are people out there, whom believe that when a relationship ends, they are entitled to take everything they want and leave their other half with nothing. For myself, I believe that is totally disgusting, wrong and inhumanely cruel. I do know today there are people out there that have no heart, no guilt for what they do when a relationship ends. To be greedy and take upon themselves and grab their old spouse's personal things and run is just pure inhuman and cruel in my eyes.
It has taken me years to cope with the loss each time I was dumped and left with nothing but clothing on my back to having come home and finding my personal things dumped out in the garbage or worse. Even when times were horrible during the relationship, during a move, I would still find myself in a position where I would lose things,but somehow my spouse would always have his belongings at all times. I never understood this concept and it was a frustrating thing upon me. It made me very angry to always know that the other half would sacrifice his stuff but not help out on my behalf. It told a lot about how the feelings were not there, or I was not worth their effort or time. In my eyes, and even over the years, I've learned that having my feelings not only ripped to shreds and thrown to the ground to bleed, I have had my personal belongings thrown out as well with my heart and left with the homeless and the birds to feed off. It makes me not sad, but deep inside the soul, angry, annoyed, hurt, destroyed. I as a woman, just don't fathom the concept of why people, not men in general, can be so cruel.
Today, I've learned a hard lesson. I have learned through trial and error, that one learns from their mistakes and never turns back to redo what they did wrong. Though I have yet gone through this trial and error several times now, I have learned it quite well now of learning to know that when I am in a relationship to know better. My belongings are just that, next to my heart. To have things taken from me is like being robbed or broken into my own home for that matter. Something that one wouldn't want at all. With that, it has taught me the worst possible lesson today. 

The Wonders of Diet Pills

When I discovered being a teenager, I had never encountered I would endure the emotional cries of not only becoming a "woman", but the everlasting issues of health concerns such as the wonders of trying to maintain my diet as I got older.  It didn't start until my first child was born, when I discovered that gaining the weight was a natural thing during pregnancy. After my daughter was born, trying to compose myself back to my ideal size, was not as easy as I expected. After trial and error, exercise and shakes were my specialty to ease the weight loss. Four years later, I had another child, which I had gained more weight during the pregnancy. After the pregnancy, losing the weight didn't come so easily as I thought. In fact, I got frustrated and angry.   Losing that weight didn't come as easy as I thought, in fact, it came impossible, practically. Even after I had my tubes tied, I had expected some kind of "miracale", but nothing.  Tried exercising, to the shakes, and even boohooing at my family Doctor for help.  
By then I had gained over 75lbs , which I was quite overweight from my second child. Losing this was a problem. A year had gone by and I had tried every thing possible. A abusive man who didn't help my needs, and let alone comfort, made my issues much worse during that time. After we had split, I made it a factor I would be determined to lose this weight, no matter what it took. Never in my wild imagination did I think I would be in for a long life of poor health down the road. I had gone to my family Doctor for desperation of help to lose the weight. At that time, I was too afraid to try diet pills, as growing up , I had never tried them for fear of the "side affects". My doctor had given me some samples of a "blue pill", which at that time wasn't even on the market yet. Why not trying it, and see what happens she told me. Eh, it couldn't do that much harm as long as i followed her instructions she had drilled into me. I listened carefully to her rules and instructions at that time. Months later, when I came back for a follow up, I didn't even fathom, about going on that scale and to my horror I had noticed I had dropped over 45lbs already. I was shocked, next to my doctor of course. She had asked me what I was doing, besides taking the blue pills as instructed. 
I had thought if I had cut out a lot of the junk food I once ate, from meats, to junk food, it would help, and never in my wild dreams did I imagine it would work too. For a year, the blue pills worked and I lost over 80lbs. By then the blue pill became out on the market , and I was able to purchase the pills myself whenever I wanted to without my doctors advise anymore. The one thing I learned over the years, I had experienced with other diet pills. Many of them I will say, and with that, a lot give side affect labels that one must read if you don't know what your doing.  For myself, I was too eager to lose the weight, and to impress myself to the world, and yes, to a man , per say, after what I had endured over the years of abuse. I didn't pay attention to the side affects, or even care about reading the labels mostly, just wanting to lose the weight fast enough and keep it off. In the end, a lot of these diet pills ended up making me so sick, I would be bed ridden for days, not be able to eat  for days, or even sleep for days either.It was an awful feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone at all.  
I had after trial and error to learn that most these diet pills on the market today, were killing the inside lining of my stomach and even doing more damage to my health and I didn't even know it til a few years later. In the end, I was starving myself the right proteins, and foods I surely needed while trying to look like Pamela Anderson for the right guy, but look great outside for myself as well. I didn't think straight, while exercising, changing my diet around, and still taking these pills what I was doing to my body at all. Diet pills are OK at times, but in the long run, if you take them for a long period of time, one might want to reconsider the heavy affects of what can happen to yourself while prolonging these pills for years as I once did. i never encountered that I would do damage to myself, let alone my  body, or even worse, cause myself to have poor health conditions down the line of fire. I wouldn't wish it on anyone today. Today, I have what is known as Hypoglycemia , a condition of the opposite of people with diabetes, where my sugar is always low. For the past five years, I never knew I had it, until it was fully engulfed into myself. Passing out, Blacking out, or losing my balance isn't what it seems to be fun. From what the doctors say, my lack of starving myself, is one factor here and the diet pills didn't help over the years either. 
If I had known NOW that what I did was going to cause something so severe to myself, I would have never did the experimental of DIET PILLS in my life. I just hope that one day that younger kids will learn from this experiment and not do what I did. It's not worth it.Surely not worth your health either, as I learned the hard way too. 

The Inner Emotions of my Relationships

As a teenager, I never dreamed or imagined I would get myself involved the whirlwind of emotions and feelings of relationships.  Let alone what I would endure during my time travel as I grew older. I never imagined that as I grew older, each relationship would be different, and as a woman, I realized each man would carry his own to treat me differently and abuse me to his own.  I'm a woman of to each their own, I have learned that I am a giver, a healer, and offer a lot to man. Through the years, I've gained that I have a heart of gold. For most the men in my lifetime, they had abused the privileges of my emotions , to abuse it and throw it to the ground, kick it around and throw it out with the garbage men.
A woman with sensitivity, and true to her heart, I had learned I was old fashioned, and with a taste of gold in my heart. As I got older, I got involved with the wrong men at times, and learned a hard lesson of life. A life of mental, physical, emotional and inner abuse that no woman should endure at all. It had turned my entire world upside down to say the least. I had expressed my inner emotions to this man, to be shattered on the floor in blood. I had cried out in pain, only to have it stuffed down my throat and deep inside my heart. My emotions turned a complete different route. I wasn't the same woman I once was anymore. I became emotionally numb from the pain that was caused upon the abuse. I closed my feelings and bottled them up. I would cry out in agony inside, and feel like I was beaten on the outside. What consumed my thoughts and feelings, now was not even a consideration anymore. My heart had been destroyed, and I became an angry and emotional woman now.
Therapy was a joke to me half the time, and expressing my inner emotions to a stranger was not my idea of coping with my horrible pain.  Instead, bottling it upside was the best thing for me, hiding under that rock , for once in my life. For if a man had ever decided to try to get inside my head, I would crawl outside the rock and throw the turmoils of my pain and anguish levels of hurt at them. I was on a defense mode and it didn't matter to me if the man didn't deserve it. My feelings and emotional numbness was just that. They didn't deserve how I felt, and it wasn't worth another try at love again in my eyes.
Today, I have learned over the years, that holding my inner emotions, pain and numbness has been not healthy not only for myself, but others around me as well. I've grown to be a stronger woman, but deep down inside my dark soul, I am still a weak woman, who still has that gold heart,  and has that sensitivity to be that good woman to a good man who will let her be. I've been crumbled, kicked, abused, stomped, and surely left on the floor in this puddle of blood alone. I've climbed the walls more than I can say and crawled back to learn I don't deserve this sort of treatment. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and certainly not endure it again ever again.

The Winter Humbug

Staring outside the windows in the living room, I gaze upon the trees and leaves blowing in the wind. Winter will be here soon, as the clocks have been set back an hour already. I'm not thrilled. I rather be curled up on the couch with my favorite blanket, with this nice roaring fire going than deal with the cold wind blowing in my face any day. Just the thought of even getting out of bed half the time is just a task most mornings, as I dread my body turning different shades of blue and purple these days. The thought of wearing socks and layers of clothing all winter just makes me depressed, and even makes me mope with disgust. 
I'm not prepared for winter and every year I go through this  overwhelming feeling of hibernating. Most of us do during the winter months. The task of even going outside to the pharmacy to deal with people in the aisles shopping for Christmas makes me sick already.  I can't even fathom the thought of wanting to be out in the stores at this time of year, in a freezing cold temperature , rushing through the aisles, to get that great sale. Not worth it for me, to wind up being sick weeks later. The thought of moving to another state has crossed my mind many times, where the warmer air would be more suitable for my needs. However, as a Mother, I just couldn't do it right now. I sit here and suffer the horrible and terrible blows that Mother Nature will come upon us during the next several months of the cold winter months. I'll sit and stare outside the windows looking at the snow , and dread at times knowing some days I'll have to go outside and deal with the cold blast in my face. 
I hate turning shades of blue and purple during these cold winter months. I'll b sitting next to this fireplace, with my favorite blankets, sipping on hot chocolate and trying to tolerate the next few months of winter that will bring upon us. I rather close my eyes, or just do what Dorothy did in "The Wizard of Oz" and tap her red shoes three times and make a wish. I don't see that happening any time here, and I certainly don't have red shoes either. I dread being cold, and the blast of it in my face or through my body. I'm getting too old for this, let alone younger. Let's hope for better winter months than last year and staying warm people.