Another year has come by and soon will end...for myself it's been a long grieving year, a rough one at that. The year has brought turmoil after turmoil for me, and very few happiness out of my life this year, and with that, I must admit I'm glad the year is coming to an end. I'm looking forward to a New Year and feeling great about it already as I think this through. As I sit here and thoroughly sift through my brain and realize that my birthday is approaching in January,I'm not getting any younger. I've accomplished not much this year, in fact, if I have to say, the only good out of this was having to enjoy my High School Reunion and seeing old friends I haven't seen in over twenty years, next to "bonding" with a high school friend after twenty years now.
From the depths of my soul, I have lost a good friend in death earlier this year, moved so many times I could count the ways for you, to losing friends that meant a great deal to me, to having found myself in a heartbreaking situation. The pain and depression I've endured this year had caused me to rethink about my life more in depth of about myself,soul, and my feelings of life. As a mother, I have encountered way too much pain upon my child to endure not only to her, but as myself to see, hear and learn this past year. Something that isn't healthy for any one,including myself. I have sat at night, wondering what could have been and should have been. I have been back stabbed by friends, and had hurt not only myself , but deep down an ex whom I had tried for the few years to develop some sort of relationship after the torment of a domestic abuse marriage I had endured years before. In the end, I realized I was the one who failed to see I was ready for commitment, or him as well.
I have sat at night crying in my soul, and heart knowing I have failed this year to accomplish what I needed to do. I have failed as what I would consider myself as the mother,friend, and so-called girlfriend. Most would consider me a good person, but deep down inside my heart, this year has proven to me that I've failed to accomplish the things I needed to do and what I wanted to do. I have yet overcome things in life I wanted, such as my understanding of the mental abuse I had endured of the years with men, to knowing why I can't heal as a person with severe anxiety to name a few here. I've lost pleasurable things in life that meant dear to me, such as my dear pets, when things failed in my life, or an ex-husband who had my made my summer miserable earlier this year.
If things couldn't get worse, I had lost my home. I had felt I had failed not only as a Mother, but as a supportive person in the home, and I couldn't do anything to get back on my feet. Living with friends was not only horrible for me, but in the long run, a miserable mistake for me. Family was supportive, and always has been for me in the years. Unfortunately, for me, I have been a weak woman since the split of my ex-husband and very vulunerable at that, for several years. I have remained strong on other issues, for the sake of my daughter, and tried to give her everything I can within my powers. But what my daughter doesn't know, is deep down, I cry every night, hurting inside, and crying out for someone to hold me, feel my pain and understand what I've been through over the years. The only thing that kept my nerves from going through a mental asylum was a high school reunion this past summer and recently "bonding" with a high school friend who understands my pain, sorrow, anger, and sadness.
I must say this year has not been positive for me, with little happiness in it. I'm glad it's finally coming to a closure shortly. Though with the approach of my birthday after the New Year, I am not a fan of turning another year older, but will make the best of my birthday coming up. I feel the New Year will bring me some happiness, peace, and much more understanding of myself than it has in the past few years. With the help of a certain person in my life right now who has been more than understanding in my issues of life these days and in my past, I can predict that 2011 shall be much better than this year brought upon myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment