True Love Can Be So Hard ....

I grew up watching my parents be together through thick and thin , and today they are married STILL after 39years. A best friend from HS who's been with her sweety for 21years and still ticking on through hell and back.  For me, I've accomplished several relationships through my life and each one turned out to be a disaster of course. The usual of falling out of love, to domestic violence, which still has a emotional numbness pain today for me, to being used of course in relationships. All I ever wanted from a man was that *choke* fairy tale we all women dream of as a child. OH yeah, that one with Cinderella growing up poor with her evil stepmother and then finding her true prince at the ballroom one night. Though in REAL life, that doesn't exist obvious, I just want  my prince. But he's not a prince~he's my KING and I'm his QUEEN. I've chased men down to be hurt in the end, and though I've been chased by men myself, i am the one who deeply gets hurts, tears rolling down the cheeks, and my heart is torn apart of course.
hat men don't usually know about me is that after years of the few horrible relationships I've dealt with over the years is that it gets agitating, annoying, heartbreaking, and the heart can take only so much pain and hurt. Some men out there just don't give a crap of hurting women. Though I will admit there are women out there who do the same.
I am not one of these women who tend to abuse a man's heart, tear it to pieces, and then decide I'll shred it to the garbage guys, as my heart has been too many times in my life. I've dealt with it too much and quite frankly I'm tired of having my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, kicked around, and left for the usual wild animals to feed on. That and I'm tired of always gluing it back together again. It's painful, and it hurts.  I watch everyday as most people fall in love, to some of my friends already in love and it makes me happy, but it hurts deep inside. I never say anything because yes, I'm JEALOUS. I want that man who comes home, grabs me, kisses me all the time, cuddles, and shows all that attention to me i crave so much as I would give it right back. But my problem is since I've been HURT in the past as i have so much, I tend to SHY away from being the center of attention of a man these days. 
True love ? What is true love? Most people I know can answer that in seconds for me. When you ask me that, I look at you  blankly with no answer. Have I ever been truly in love? Nope, can say I have. Out of all the men in my past lifetime, I can't recall one person that I truly loved, or that I knew that felt the same about me. Seriously. I know i was no Queen to them, and he was no King. Though we are not all perfect, the energy, and the feelings were just not there. And yet I sit here and cry everyday wanting that feeling and it kills me to know that I have a KING out there, and I am his QUEEN. The butterflies in the stomach, to my head spinning in all crazy different directions, is what I want. Can't recall the last time I felt that ever. I'm sure its not safe these days to have those crazy wild feelings, but I sure as hell would like to explore it one day. Yet my mind still explores the thought of what was once when I was a child of how I dreamed of one day growing up and meeting my Prince Charming.
So the reality of the fairy tale might not be there, i surely would love to experiment with the feeling of REAL LOVE and have some man show me what that is ....someday. My heart is broken, and i'm tired of gluing myself. Finding true love for a lot of us these days is really hard. Sure i know it is. I feel my heart everyday aching that pain, dying for that moment, that butterfly affect, you name it. But as well, i'm always afraid i'll b hurt cuz i've always been hurt in my past relationships and that itself is what hurts me the most. To not experience what true love is or what that butterfly affect, or have some man show me true love is just bites me in the ass. Most of us can relate to this feeling, and for me it's everyday. I crave that feeling and as I get older every year, my clock ticks to find Mr.KING one day.
We all want to experience true love if we have as of yet in our life time. For myself, I haven't. It hurts too deeply to even fathom or explain how that feels to not know what true love is. I have watched so many romantic shows and these days it makes me *sick* to watch them over and over. It's the feeling I want, the craving, the sensation, the lust, the deep inner self of my soul I want. Will any man understand that feeling I state? Probably not. To understand one another and have that feeling is what I desire the most deepest in a man. True love doesn't come over night for anyone, let alone myself. But I sure do hope it comes one day, the feeling of "growing old with someone" sure sounds great to me...before I die that is.