The Inner Emotions of my Relationships

As a teenager, I never dreamed or imagined I would get myself involved the whirlwind of emotions and feelings of relationships.  Let alone what I would endure during my time travel as I grew older. I never imagined that as I grew older, each relationship would be different, and as a woman, I realized each man would carry his own to treat me differently and abuse me to his own.  I'm a woman of to each their own, I have learned that I am a giver, a healer, and offer a lot to man. Through the years, I've gained that I have a heart of gold. For most the men in my lifetime, they had abused the privileges of my emotions , to abuse it and throw it to the ground, kick it around and throw it out with the garbage men.
A woman with sensitivity, and true to her heart, I had learned I was old fashioned, and with a taste of gold in my heart. As I got older, I got involved with the wrong men at times, and learned a hard lesson of life. A life of mental, physical, emotional and inner abuse that no woman should endure at all. It had turned my entire world upside down to say the least. I had expressed my inner emotions to this man, to be shattered on the floor in blood. I had cried out in pain, only to have it stuffed down my throat and deep inside my heart. My emotions turned a complete different route. I wasn't the same woman I once was anymore. I became emotionally numb from the pain that was caused upon the abuse. I closed my feelings and bottled them up. I would cry out in agony inside, and feel like I was beaten on the outside. What consumed my thoughts and feelings, now was not even a consideration anymore. My heart had been destroyed, and I became an angry and emotional woman now.
Therapy was a joke to me half the time, and expressing my inner emotions to a stranger was not my idea of coping with my horrible pain.  Instead, bottling it upside was the best thing for me, hiding under that rock , for once in my life. For if a man had ever decided to try to get inside my head, I would crawl outside the rock and throw the turmoils of my pain and anguish levels of hurt at them. I was on a defense mode and it didn't matter to me if the man didn't deserve it. My feelings and emotional numbness was just that. They didn't deserve how I felt, and it wasn't worth another try at love again in my eyes.
Today, I have learned over the years, that holding my inner emotions, pain and numbness has been not healthy not only for myself, but others around me as well. I've grown to be a stronger woman, but deep down inside my dark soul, I am still a weak woman, who still has that gold heart,  and has that sensitivity to be that good woman to a good man who will let her be. I've been crumbled, kicked, abused, stomped, and surely left on the floor in this puddle of blood alone. I've climbed the walls more than I can say and crawled back to learn I don't deserve this sort of treatment. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, and certainly not endure it again ever again.