The Confused Heart

I've always had a knack for picking the wrong men in my life over the years, though I've had my heart ripped from the depts of my soul, stomped on, and left on the floor to bleed , where I cry.  From the outburts of being abused, mentally, emotionally, and even physically, I have to say I've been through it all when it comes to relationships. For a woman who is as sensitive as me, these days, it's hard to understand how I cope with my feelings, mentally or period. I've learned through therapy to be strong on the outside, and as the years passed, to stuff my feelings inside without anyone seeing the real true me deep within. Nowadays, I've come to realize with the approach of my birthday, I'm not getting any younger, I'm getting older, and that feeling of "growing old with someone" has really sunk deep into my soul, and mind. I've tried already half my life to find that right person to my "knight and shining" armor and it's failed miserably with two failed marriages, and few relationships. 
 I've been in love once in my entire life already. Pretty sad to say, and that true love feeling I can't even fathom to tell you I can't say how long it's been. Sure has been more than ten years, and quite frankly it stinks. After the abuse of an ex-husband for several years, and still dealing with him, I thought I could move on with my life and even try to fall in love. In trial and error, I had became single for a few years to breathe, and then to wind up in a relationship again. In which time, I discovered I wasn't ready again , or think he can't handle my "issues". I freaked out, and ran and left. 
For my younger days, I was like a open book, easy to read, and found myself able to express my emotions and feelings very easily.  For the past several years I have overcome a great deal of pain, anger, and obstacles in my life which has caused me to close down like a car not wanting to start. I have learned to keep my feelings and emotions bottled up inside, or just stuff it down my throat, to where I don't want anyone to see the root of my pain. I've had my share of trying to expose some of my emotions and anger at one or two men in the past year, where instead I needed someone to talk to, they were too busy for me.  While I was going through a great deal of emotional up's and down's of my life, it seemed that the one person I needed the most was never there for me, and in that time frame, I would be left on the floor crying, bleeding or even scratching the walls , screaming. 
I would be fighting with my own demons inside my head, instead of expressing how I felt towards the one I should be building a relationship. Here, today, I am trying to make amends, and I feel I am a lost soul out in the skies, mending myself. My heart is still broken and the wounds are trying to heal, and can't. I'm sure most of us have and gone through the agony of pain in some sort of relationship and who hasn't? For myself, it has taken a much greater deep into my heart, and within that, I feel I am just tired of the pain and sorrow I endure time and time again. I am not a young spring chicken anymore, and I offer so much, just asking a little in return. A simple woman , who has been burned at the stake and returned to find something she wants more than anything else in life....true love.